Senator Ted Cruz only argued
against people's right to stimulate their genitals because he can't stimulate
anyone else's genitals...Ted also looks the type of guy who brags about never
masturbating, even though no one asked.
Ted has been quoted as
saying you wouldn't want to have a beer with him, because he'd probably drug
you. And being a conservative, he would make you buy the drink.
Ted has been accused of
having multiple affairs, which is unlikely given how unpleasant his very presence is; especially since his mediocre
looking wife, Heidi, clearly settled. Ted actually opposes
dildos because he unsuccessfully competes with one for his wife's
attention.
As a legal professor, Cruz
was so repugnant to his students that a failing grade was worth not having to
flirt with him.
But Ted has argued
successfully before the Supreme Court, mostly because no wanted to hear him
speak anymore. Ted is actually a southern Baptist, which is weird most people
wish he would just drown.
Ted isn't without
controversy though. He attacked Donald Trump's wife because when Ted tried to do a wife
swap, Trump did what he always does and didn't follow through with his end of a deal. To make things more awkward, Ted watched them anyway!
But Ted would never
attack Trump's hair, because he looks like Razor Ramon's hair became a person.
Despite the fact that no one
admires him, Ted Cruz admires segregationist Senator Jesse
Helms, though nobody named Rafael Eduardo Cruz would be white enough
to speak with Jesse Helms.
Ted I hope you fail in all
your future endeavors!
Kindly Fuck off,
---Joe Eurell
